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lonely

lonely. it’s a sad word, it really sounds like its meaning. i’ve been feeling it a lot lately. lonely. i miss my sweetheart. i miss not being able to see him everyday. i miss seeing him when he wakes up in the morning or kissing him goodnight before bed. i miss making breakfast with him and lazing on sundays with nothing to do yet that was everything to me. it was all i needed to be content. lonely. wow it’s hard to write that word yet it encompasses the heaviness in my heart so succinctly it must be the right one. how does one become unlonely? we can’t change the distance between us. wishing it away doesn’t work, unfortunately i’ve tried using multiple birthday cake candle wishes, wishing on 11:11 a.m. and p.m., vision boarding (my ultimate “go to”) wishing on stars and wishing in the form of prayer, no luck.

today it’s hard to stay positive. today it’s just lonely. today feels like 1,200 miles away. friends help the lonely. work distracts from the lonely, but it’s still there, like a burn that won’t quite stop smarting long after you’ve applied neosporin.

i always thought that i was good at dreaming up anything and turning it into reality. i can’t figure out what i’m doing wrong here. why can’t i turn 1,200 miles into zero? i guess math really is the one thing that i’ve never been good at. what’s the lesson here? there’s gotta be a great lesson somewhere in all of this. the hardest things always provide the greatest teachings and the biggest “a ha!” moments. i’d like to learn it please. i’m done with the feeling, lonely.

2012

I’m ready.

YES!!!!

Ahhhh the thrill of finding out that the show you’ve so loved working on has been green lit for a series is the best way to end a day. Today I’m feeling so blessed for following my heart and choosing a career that isn’t known for its stability or longevity, but makes my little soul oh so happy! I can tell 2012 is going to be a wonderful year for creating my hearts desire. What’s yours?

xoxo

 

my mantra

Love is patient, love is kind…
It always protects,
Always trusts, always hopes,
Always perseveres.
Love never fails.
~ Corinthians 13:4

vā-kā-SHən

It was bliss on the beach for 10 days at Beaches Turks and Caicos with my family and sweetheart.

 

Five days to go…

It’s Monday. I leave for the beach on Friday. I can’t freaking wait. What’s even more exciting is that I met my fitness goal and Hell Week has only just started! Only five more days of fitness bootcamp and I will get to enjoy alcohol again! I’m thinking it’s only going to take a half a daiquiri before I’m drunk out of my mind due to the fact that I haven’t touched the stuff in over two months, but hey what’s a vacation without a drunken stupor down the waterslide or a few tipsy spins on the dance floor with my honey?

Super excited for the end of this year and the start of 2012. I will not miss the snow and can’t wait to ring in the New Year looking out into the ocean with my sweetheart. Bring. It. On.

my latest project

Eight weeks ago I made the decision to put my health first. Sounds noble right? Well if I’m being totally honest, I’d clarify the reason WHY I made this decision. On Christmas Eve my family, my love and I will be headed to a Caribbean paradise in the Turks and Caicos for 10 days to celebrate the holidays and ring in 2012. Think beach, pool, scuba, swim-up bars, beach side bars, dance parties and overall merriment. Most of these activities would recommend sporting a bathing suit and the last thing I want to spend my vacation doing is wondering how I would comfortably wear one in broad daylight without a tummy-hiding sarong to accompany the ensemble.

SO in order to get the transformation going I re-upped a long overdue membership with my gym. And thankfully, they ponied up 10 personal training classes to help jumpstart my “tone and tighten” goal. Near the end of October I met my trainer and he immediately put me on the scale and grabbed at my fat with those awful body fold pincher thingys (I think the last time I saw one of those was in my kindergarten years when a nutritionist attacked a more portly classmate and used him as an example of what happens when you do not eat your fruits and veggies – I wonder how much therapy that poor boy went through after that public display of humiliation?) to determine just how far we had to go in order to whip me into the swimsuit-worthy shape I have plastered in my mind. Along with body fat assessment, I got my measurements taken and stepped on the scale. Ok. At least it would give me something to compare to at the end of the torture…er…training.

My first workout hurt for five days after. Correction. I couldn’t walk for five days. My calves and hamstrings were so tight I couldn’t straiten my legs.  Literally, I found myself shuffling my feet around the office to get around. Not a good look. However, after a few weeks of consistent exercise the pain went from debilitating to assurance that I worked hard.

In addition to regular meetings with my trainer (we’d spend Mondays on upper body, Wednesdays lower body and Friday high intense cardio) I would spend three days a week on moderate intensity cardio. One rest day.

After about a week of getting acclimated to the intense schedule (I must admit that before  this trainer-intervention my workouts consisted of a lame attempt on the eliptical for 30 minutes every other week) my trainer wanted to start working on my nutrition. I’d been tracking everything I’d been eating for about a week prior to our first meeting so he could get an accurate assessment of what I was consuming on a regular basis. After sifting through my menus he looked up and asked me “Where are your fruits and vegetables?” I guess I didn’t learn anything from the nutritionist during my kindergarten days.

So it started with baby steps. Two fruits and two veggies every day. But after every couple of weeks, my trainer would tweak my diet here and there. No red meat. No alcohol. Chocolate in extreme moderation (torture). Carbs in the a.m. only. Lots of protein. And more protein. Did I mention protein?

After about two weeks into my new lifestyle I started noticing how much better my skin started looking (yes I am that girl who still gets breakouts for what I thought was no apparent reason). Love that good diet = fabulous skin. After three weeks, I was losing the plumpness in my face and holy cow, I actually have cheekbones! These little changes were the motivators to keep me on track when all I wanted to do was down a Cricket Burger and frings.

It was at about a month in that I really began to see some fun changes. Bathing suit shopping wasn’t awful and my pants no longer fit. Even better was the sign of the gun show…muscles! Although small, very much there and I was lifting heavier weights and doing longer sets. Woo hoo! One thing that really excites me about this whole process is that I was getting stronger! I felt tough. 🙂

Last week I had a minor freak out. I was being sent to Dallas for work for a week. One week without my trainer. One week on a hectic producer schedule where junk food is plentiful and veggies are not. Terrified that I’d ruin six weeks of discipline I contemplated not going. But this was also my test. My trainer isn’t going to be around forever and if I don’t want to chuck all this hard work post-vaca, I’m going to have to learn how to maintain this lifestyle no matter what the circumstances everyday life brings.

SO here I am. In Dallas. At a hotel. With a fickle work schedule. Without a refrigerator. Without my gym. But I’ve kept up my workouts, the hotel has a tiny fitness with a treadmill. And since Dallas is a retail/restaurant mecca, there are a plethora of Whole Foods and other healthy options for me to nosh on. Tomorrow I can return to the safety of my gym, my grocery, my routine, but I’m happy to report that I didn’t let the discipline fall by the wayside while out of my comfort zone.

I have to admit, I’ve been pretty obsessive about this project. It’s always on my mind and that pool side bikini image is in front of me every time I make a choice about what to eat and how far to push myself during my workouts. I don’t want to obsess forever. I do want to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I’m sleeping better, purchasing less skin-care products (and cover-up) and just feel better about myself -I don’t want to lose it when the vacation is over. I think that’ll be one of my projects for 2012. Find the balance in living better without going overboard.

I’ve got one full week left of training before the big trip. My trainer has planned “hell week” complete with two-a-days at the gym. Looking forward to a final ass kicking before 10 days of fun in the sun. And yes, there will be pina coladas. Lots of them.

xoxo

RIP Steve Jobs

I’m typing on my MacBook while my sweetheart pecks away at his MacBook Pro. Earlier today we were researching the latest news about the upcoming release of the iPhone 4S and excited to see a release date of October 14th. I constantly check my own iPhone 3 while my sweetheart juggles his personal iPhone 3S and new work iPhone 4. Apple products constantly surround our day-to-day existence and make our lives so much easier and fun! I can’t imagine how many places I’ve taken my red iPod or how many trips I’ve made to the Apple Store or shopped on iTunes – each a joy to experience.

Just a few minutes ago Apple announced the death of their founder. My heart hurts for the loss of Steve Jobs, a man who’s touched and improved the lives of so many people around the world. My heart hurts for his family, for as an incredible genius as he was, I imagine none of the advances he made in the tech or entertainment industries compared to the lives he touched within his innermost circle.

It’s humbling to know that no matter what the contributions one makes in this lifetime or how much power one has – when it comes to life and death – it’s a roll of the dice.

RIP Steve Jobs. Your products have made an impact on my life and you’ve inspired many to push the envelope for greatness and explore the road less traveled. When everyone is creating in black, dare to do something different and go white!

I cannot believe that in two short weeks, my summer in Nashville will come to a close. I remember the excitement, nerves, challenges and all around unknowns that stood before me in March and now I look back and smile at everything I gained from the experience.

Today I am thankful. Thankful for the opportunity my employer gave to me to do the scariest line of work I’ve ever done before. These people gave me encouragement when my confidence was low, praise when I’d done good work, course correction when I had not and patience when I just didn’t think I could go on another day. And most importantly, they gave me the opportunity to close the 1,000 mile geographical gap between my sweetheart and myself – if even only for a short while,  a priceless gift in my eyes.

I’m thankful for my sweetheart. I know that I can be a handful. I can be emotional. I can test the patience of a saint and each day that he wakes up and chooses to be with me I know I am blessed.  When I see his face every day when we start our day and each night when we turn in (sometimes that’s all we’d get between our two schedules) there is no greater comfort. When we have a rare pocket of time that we get to spend awake together I’m in heaven. There’s no one I’d rather spend time with -whether we’re exploring a new restaurant, hiking trail or HBO television series it’s always an adventure. The last six months with him has been a dream that I wasn’t sure we’d get to realize so soon and I am so sad to see it end. I don’t want to spend my last handful of days dreading the last, but I can’t help but see the end as I look ahead. I hope that one day soon, we’ll be able to permanently close the gap on our long distance relationship. But until that day I will be so blessed by the time we share together, even on the phone and over Skype.

I am thankful for my family. While my time in Nashville is dwindling, I’m about to begin a series of travel adventures that would not be possible without mother’s enormous generosity and imagination. In a little more than two weeks I’ll be stepping onto Italian soil with her and my two uncles. I’ve longed to return to Italy since I left it nearly eight years ago and I just giggle at the trouble we’re going to get into! Since I was a little girl, I’ve wanted to go to Italy with my family. They spent the better part of their childhood in Milan and I envied their perfect Italian dialect and knack for making risotto.

I’m thankful for my friends. Even when I’m far far away from my girls who have kept me grounded, in laughter, gossip and brunch, they make the effort to stay in touch. As we keep getting older, our schedules get fuller, our careers keep us booked and our relationships with our significant others get stronger. Yet I’ve been so lucky to be able to remain connected to those who really know me and like me anyways!

I’m thankful for being healthy. After turning 28 years old, I’m starting to understand that the body does indeed change with every year that goes round. Most would protest that 28 years is youthful and it’s silly to think of yourself as aging. However, I’ve noticed there are things I can no longer do (party like I’m a 22 year old) and foods I can no longer eat (bye bye dairy products and breads) without enduring the consequences. Even still, I’m blessed to be in charge of my health and take control of how I treat my mind and my body. With recent news articles of celebrities and fortune 500 tycoons falling ill, I’m reminded that no matter what you have in life, it’s all a distant second if you don’t have your health.

What are you thankful for?

xoxo

Bittersweet

I realize it’s been quite some time since I’ve sat and updated my blog. I’m looking at my calendar and cannot believe that it reads July 7, 2011. I’ve been officially working as a field producer for 102 days and have less a little more than two months to go on my contract. It’s bittersweet. The past three and a half months have brought me some of the biggest career challenges that I’ve had to face and there were times that I didn’t think I could go on another day (sometimes I still feel that way), due to physical and emotional stress and exhaustion. However, little by little, my confidence and endurance has grown and I find myself smiling more and more into the monitor while on location. I think this season is going to be quite a success! Now, I do have a lingering fear that my work isn’t going to be good enough, what if the writers don’t have what they need? What if we have mountains of pick ups and my talent grows weary of the process? What if I let down those who helped me earn this position in the first place? What if? Ahhhh I’m too good at this game.

The past three and a half months have also brought so much joy into my life. My sweetheart and I have grown closer than we ever could have with 1,000 miles keeping us apart night after night. To be able to rest by his side each night and see his sleepy face wake each morning has been a gift for which I am so very grateful. I will miss him so much. We have just 10 weeks left before I must return to life in Denver and I want to spend each moment I can enjoying his presence. He’s been my rock throughout this time in my life and I fall more in love with him every day. Whether we’re sharing a car ride to Target, competing with each other in a round of Spite and Malice over a glass of wine or sharing a meal we crafted in the kitchen together, these are the moments of “a normal life” that we always wanted to experience together that our long distance relationship never allowed.

I will feel a great sadness to leave my sweetheart once my time wraps with the show; however, I imagine I’ll also feel a great sense of pride for what was accomplished, both professionally and personally. I know that I will remember this time in my life always and I intend to embrace the next 64 days with my whole heart.